


Protistuted (for you)

by evakuality



Series: Let's talk about it [4]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Canon Compliant, Discussions of mental illness, M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 21:30:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17433857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakuality/pseuds/evakuality
Summary: Part of the 'lets talk about it' series, standalone fics that fit into that general heading and which all deal with moderately awkward conversations.In this one, Isak and Even talk through some of the implications of Even's illness.





	Protistuted (for you)

**Author's Note:**

> Many many thanks to the people who stepped in to help me with this. I am very grateful for your help and insight on this issue. You're stars and I love you!!
> 
> I am generally of the opinion that if it didn't happen in the show or the official social media then it didn't happen. But this little bit was too adorable and I couldn't resist including it, even in a small way. Yes that makes me a filthy hypocrite, no I don't care!

Even’s body is being a dick.  By rights, after a party like this one, where he talked and laughed and soaked up the energy like a sponge from the loving people around him, Even should be comfortable and relaxed.  The problem is that he’s been exactly like that dry sponge for the last week or two and his body is having trouble opening itself up to all that energy. He snorts. That sounds so fucking pretentious, but it’s been the way he was taught to think about how he needs to make himself feel good.  Being around people has always been Even’s happy place, but sometimes they can get too much. After an episode he’s more fragile, finds it harder to connect and his therapist had suggested the sponge metaphor to help him understand. Sometimes it takes less to oversaturate your senses, and this is one of those times.

So here he is, having a great time, but still feeling a little out of sorts.  Isak’s friends are wonderful, and Even can’t even bring himself to be irritated by the way his flatmates have kept such close tabs on on him over the last few days.  It’s been nice, in a way, to know they care, and most of them have been chill. Linn has been particularly easy to hang with, calmly playing games or sitting somewhere close by but not intruding on Even and his peace of mind.  Even so, Even is starting to feel closed in, overwhelmed. He’s not  _ entirely _ well yet then, and the thought depresses him.

He takes a quick stock of what his body is doing.  His legs are locked into a rigid straight line, tension is drawing up into his back and his fingers are stiff and awkward.  Even sighs. It’s time to move away from this group. He glances around the room, tries to spot Isak and finally catches sight of him tucked away in a corner by the tree with Eva.  Even smiles to himself. They’ve been like moths to flames around each other tonight -- drifting apart, but always finding each other again. Even’s glad; he’s gleaned something of a sense of what they were to each other in the past, and how much Isak has missed that closeness.  So seeing them reconnecting makes Even happy.

Still.  He has to get out of here, and he can’t do that without telling Isak.  So Even pushes off from the wall and forces his feet in the direction of his boy.  Isak looks up when Even is still a few feet away, his gaze drawn to Even’s as if by a  magnet. Even grins, raises his brows, tries to show that he’s happy to see Isak but doesn’t want to disturb him.  Something of his agitation must show in his face, however, because a small furrow creases Isak’s brow, he says something to Eva in a soft voice, then stands to greet Even.

“Halla, baby,” he whispers against a brief kiss, as if he hasn’t seen Even all night.  As if they haven’t greeted each other like this more than once already. 

“Hey,” Even says, feeling the small comfort that always comes when Isak is nearby.

“You look done in,” Isak says, pressing one hand against Even’s back.  “You want to go somewhere quieter?”

Despite the relief that floods him at the thought, Even feels a cold shock of guilt.  This is Isak’s party and his friends. It’s not right that he should be dragged away, particularly when he’s having such a good time with Eva after so long.

“I don’t want to force you away from all your friends,” he says, even though his mind is screaming at him that he should just take Isak up on that offer because needs the peace and security that being alone with Isak can give him.

“Nah, I’m done here,” Isak says, and he does look weary all of a sudden, his body slouching a little, and a tightness to his usual cheerfully bright eyes.  “So many people for so long … I’m tired.”

He slumps into Even a little and when he looks up, Even can see the strain around his eyes in even more clear detail.

“Okay, baby,” he says, not even trying to hide his relief this time, “let’s go to bed.”

They make their way through the throng, enduring several taunts about what they might be off to do.  They’re loving, those quiet teasing comments, and there’s no malice in any of them, but they still coil fear into Even’s belly.  It’s something he and Isak are going to have to talk about, and probably soon. Isak’s flipping off all of his friends when they do it, and laughs when they get more ribald in response.  But there’s pink sitting high on his cheeks, and a small, pleased smile twitching over his lips when he glances back at Even, all of which hints that Isak isn’t averse to trialing some of the suggestions they’ve been given.  So Even knows, with another anxious flutter of his stomach, that he’s probably going to have to say something tonight.

It’s only a few very brief minutes later when they’re snuggled together under the familiarity of Isak’s striped duvet.  Isak’s relaxed, his body warm where it’s pressed against Even’s. It’s always wonderful to have this, Isak so trusting that his body melts into Even’s without question.  Has been one of Even's favorite things since the first day he’d stayed here. But tonight Even can’t relax into it himself.

“What’s the matter?” Isak’s voice is soft and warm, content radiating out of him, but Even can hear the concern behind it.  “You still feel a little off?”

“Not really,” Even says, resigned now that he really does have to say something.  He steels himself, thinks for a few moments of what he needs to say and how he can best approach it  “It’s just … you know how the guys were teasing about why we came in here?”

“Mmmm,” Isak says, and there’s the slightly embarrassed interest in that hum that makes Even’s heart squeeze.

“It’s … um … I need to say something.”

“Okay?”  Isak tilts his head up so he can see into Even’s face, so Even does his best to give a reassuring smile.

“I … uh … I think I was at least hypomanic when we … we …” he shrugs uncomfortably.  “Well, you know.”

“Okay?” Isak says again, and it’s clear from the small squeeze of his forehead that he’s not really understanding what Even is trying to say.

“So … I just need you to know things could be different maybe when it happens again.”

“Different?” Isak asks, his voice suddenly wary.  “Different how?”

“I’m a bit more … into it, I guess, when I’m manic or hypomanic,” Even says.  “Not that I don’t enjoy it anyway, but when I’m manic i want it more, go to more lengths to have it.  I’m … I get more sensitive … that sort of thing. I get caught up in my own stuff a bit more.” He looks at Isak, tries to figure out how he’s taking this, but all Even can see is a frown and a look of concentration.  “So … going on previous experience … I’d expect, uh … a bit less energy maybe? If that’s the word? Maybe less of it. It might not be as fast to arouse, or as intense as it has been. I can … maybe it’s something as small as not reacting as fast to you.  Just … I guess I want you to know that it’s not quite the same.”

“But you’re still you, right?” Isak asks.  Even can now hear in his voice the scientist coming to the fore.  He’s not anxious or worried or any of the other things Even might have expected.  He’s curious. He wants to know for information rather than for his emotions. “You still feel the same things otherwise, just less … intense?”

“Mmmm,” Even says.  “It’s hard to describe.  But yeah … I’m still me, and I still have the same feelings.”

“Okay,” Isak says, nodding.  “So one day when you feel better we try again, and whatever happens then is chill.”

“You’re not upset?”

Because Even needs to  _ know _ that.  It’s not enough that he thinks Isak’s okay here and besides, maybe in the flush of a new discovery Isak hasn’t thought through the implications.  

“Why would I be upset?”  Isak’s brow is furrowed as he looks up at Even.

“Because … well, because your first time, every time so far really, was with someone who … who wasn’t really … as present as he should have been.”  He sucks in a breath. “I know you’ll go reading up on this because I know you …”

Isak snorts and a small blush paints his cheeks pink again.  “Might have done that already,” he mumbles.

“So what did you find out?”

“I dunno, some shit about mania making you want sex a lot -- which is what you just said -- and maybe not really caring about who it’s with.  Taking risks. Being with lots of people.”

Isak falls silent, clearly remembering the things he’d read.

“Okay,” Even says, a stab of anxiety hitting him even though there was no judgement in Isak’s tone.  These things are ones he’s heard so often that it stings a little when they come up in this context. “That’s not … not the whole truth.  You know that, right? I mean, it can be like that sometimes, for some people. But …” Even trails off, remembers the heady delight he’d felt when he’d kissed Mikael, the way his body had hummed and desire had flooded his veins, itching through his fingertips.  That Mikael had put a stop to it hadn’t changed what had been going on under Even’s skin. “I … for me, it tends to be just wanting more, not going after more partners. The … the stuff with other partners, that’s often before diagnosis and treatment.”

Isak has been examining him while he spoke; Even has felt his gaze as a weight on his face, and now he reaches out with gentle fingers and runs them along Even’s jaw.

“It’s okay,” Isak says, his voice soft and warm.  “I was freaked out to start with, but Magnus made me understand a bit more.”

That startles a loud burst of laughter out of Even.  “You talked to Magnus about our sex life?”

“No, you dick,” Isak says with another of his adorable snorts.  “Or not then anyway.” He gives a reminiscent chuckle at that thought and Even wonders if he’ll ever hear  _ that _ story.  Then Isak’s face settles into a soft, fond smile and he continues.  “He just reminded me that only you know what’s up with you and that I should talk to you to find stuff out …”

“Wise man,” Even says, chuckling as he squeezes Isak’s shoulder.

“He has his moments,” Isak says, wriggling a little until he’s in a position where he can kiss Even, which he does enthusiastically, making Even’s breath catch and his toes curl.  “Usually he’s a fucking disaster.”

“So you’re really okay that it might be … actually probably will be … different, when we do it again?”

“When?’ Isak says, with a small laugh as he settles back down against Even’s chest.  “You’re very sure of yourself.”

Even pretends to consider, relieved that this has gone so much better than he’d ever hoped, then grins.  “Well,” he says, indicating his body with his free hand, “have you seen all this? There’s no way you’re denying yourself.”

Isak laughs, leaning up to kiss Even again.  It’s stability and comfort, and fire and passion all rolled into one.

“You know me so well,” Isak says against Even’s lips.  “I promise I’ll tell you if anything feels weird. But … it’s all so new to me anyway that this is basically just more sides of you to find out about.”  He sighs, snuggling down into Even’s side again. “I love it. I love that there’s so much to find out.” He gives another laugh. “This way I really get to earn that money your mother pays me.”

“It’s worth being  _ protistuted _ then?”

“Shut up,” Isak says, a tiny blush on his cheeks.  “It’s a proper word now.”

“Oh yeah?  What does it mean?”

“It means that I’m all yours and I don’t care how different it is, I just want to find out all there is to know about you.”

Even brushes his lips over Isak’s hair, a strange lump taking up residence in his throat.  It means so much, what Isak’s saying.

“Thank you, baby,” he whispers.  “I’m glad you’re you.”

“Well,” Isak says, with his normal frank tone.  “I’m glad you’re you, and I get to figure all this stuff out with you.”  He shrugs. “So I’ll always be protistuted. For you.”

Even laughs, his heart a lot lighter than it has been all evening.  “Me too. With you.”

As they fall into their usual soft conversation before bed, Even can feel the tension in his body diminishing.  His sponge, if he can be forgiven for returning to the metaphor, is filling up nicely now. Just being with Isak does that, but there’s another sense of peace after the conversation.  It’s hard, and there are a lot of things Even’s still not willing to discuss in much detail _. _  But it’s nice that they can do this.  Minute by minute, conversation by conversation.


End file.
